March 09, 2004

Year of the Boob

Since the Super Bowl breast incident, boobs are everywhere. (Did you see CHristina Aguilera at the Grammy’s?) During this season of red carpets and awards it seems that breasts have come into their own. Dress designers are doing their best to put them on display and starlets are donning the scant-topped creations with an air of defiance. (You go girls!)
I recently saw footage of Friends star, Lisa Kudrow standing with a reporter at the SAG awards, gawking at the stunning Charlize Theron. Charlize took notice and walked over to her admirers. She looked Lisa up and down and said, “My dress is nice, but I could really use her boobs.” Even the ever-perfect Catherine Zeta-Jones was caught on camera extolling the virtues of having post-baby boobs. (“Real boobs” as she called them.) Reconsidering the Janet Jackson fall-out, I have to ask, what’s the big deal? Are breasts only marketable when partially exposed? Where exactly is the line between alluring and exposed? (Somewhere just before there’s nipplage I suppose.)

This is nothing new, this outrage from voices of authority. If you want to know why U.S. Currency features large headed images of past presidents rather than beautiful artwork, just go back to the 1890's.
The once inspiring $5 bill, titled "Electricity, Presenting Light to the World", was banned by Andrew Comstock and his cronies in the Watch and Ward Society. They succeeded in getting the bill pulled from the public and again in 1916, the orignal Standing Liberty Quarter bearing naked breast and shield was forced to cover up with armour for WWI.
The boob-phobic John Ashcroft brought drapes into the Justice Department's Great Hall to cover up the Spirit of Justice Statue.
What’s next, a mu`umu`u for Venus de Milo?

This is just one more reason why I’m glad to live in Canada, where I can go topless all I want. Yeah, I know you’re thinking “where only the Moose will blush”, but if I wanted to walk down the budy sidewalks of Toronto letting the girls hang out, I could. (It’s too darn cold in March…but the fact remains, I have the right.)

You see, I’m all for breasts. In fact, I’ve been known to regularly whip the girls out in public for stretches as long as two years at a time. “Breast is Best” when it comes to feeding babies.
La Leche

I’m concerned that nature’s ready made, perfect source for infant food is being vilified. I’m worried that George Dubbya might start lobbying for an amendment to the constitution that would BAN THE BOOB. (Which is really funny if you stop and think about it.) I’d better go, I gotta call John Kerry’s campaign manager, I think I have a slogan for him.